When it comes to deescalating conflicts, the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) model is unparalleled. Developed by international peacemaker Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, NVC focuses on "empathetically listening and honestly expressing observations, feelings, needs, and requests". NVC operates on the belief that all humans share common needs, including autonomy, integrity, meaning, connection, physical well-being, and play/spiritual communion. Conflict is seen as the result of unmet needs, and can be resolved through conscious communication. The 4 Steps of NVC (download here): 1. State concrete actions you observe in yourself or the other person. Ex: "When I see you using your phone on our date night..." 2. State the feeling that the observation is triggering in you. Ex: "I feel unimportant and distant" 3. State the need that is the cause of that feeling. "Because I need/value closeness with you." 4. Make a concrete request for action to meet the need just identified. "Would it work for you to put away your phone during our date?" If like me you've been upset and expected someone else to automatically know why and how to make it better (even though I didn't even know), then the concrete request step will be a GAMECHANGER. Requests 101 Remember that requests are actionable and clear. "I would like you to help out more" (vague) vs. "Would you be willing to clean the bathroom and do laundry this weekend?" Requests are also positive-oriented, meaning we ask for what we do want, not what we don't want. "My request is that you don't lose your temper and start yelling." (negative action) vs. "My request is that when you feel upset, you tell me and we take a break." (positive action) Also - this is important - requests are different than demands. With a request, the other person's needs are as important as our own. Our goal is harmony, we want them to help meet our need out of a genuine willingness to do so, not guilt or obligation. We hope for a yes but are willing to hear a no. Next steps Let's put it into action with an exercise. Exercise: Think of the last conflict you had.
We've barely scratched the surface of the fascinating world of Nonviolent Communication! Check out these resources:
Information and resources are made possible through the work of Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. and the Center for Nonviolent Communication
Visit them at CNVC.org
2 Comments
Ben M
4/3/2019 05:16:49 pm
I just finished listening to this podcast. Think you'd love it. I'd also like your thoughts and comments on it and how it fits into this type of communication. Thanks Kimbo!
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Kimberly @ Good Talk
4/3/2019 05:34:40 pm
Hi Ben, what’s the link to the podcast? Looking forward to listening. Thank you for sharing!
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