The last blog post focused on taking control of our internal dialogue to become happier and healthier. How we "talk" to ourselves is incredibly impactful, affecting:
Because self-acceptance is such a crucial part of our overall happiness, here are 4 ways to be kinder to yourself. 1. Promise yourself that you will be your own best friend Think about the person you care about most in the world. If they told you about how they'd screwed up a project or said something they immediately regretted, how would you react? Now if it were you who made the mistake, what kind of self-talk would you give yourself? We're much more likely to respond to what we perceive as our own shortcomings with harshness, black-and-white thinking (I always/never do such and such), and a surious lack of compassion. Promise to protect your own feelings with the ferocity of a cat in the bath. While you don't have to scratch well-meaning people to shreds, do make a commitment to yourself right now that you will practice supportive and loving self-talk. And when you fall back into hatin' on your dear self, say to yourself, "I forgive you and I love you." 2. Give yourself attention Mind Gardener was started to raise awareness about the “world's most endangered resource” - attention. The founders say that attention is a prerequisite to being kind, generous, and compassionate. How can we possibly connect with or care about something that isn't part of our awareness? Carve out time to give yourself attention every day. How are you feeling physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, intuitively...? What is your body telling you? How about your heart? Spend at least five quiet minutes each day with yourself, doing nothing else but paying attention to the little voice speaking truth beneath the noise of thoughts. Show yourself that you're worth being with and listening to. 3. Make peace with your body Changing my relationship with my body from “sack that carries me around and annoys me when it complains” to “incredibly intricate system that I'm so grateful for” raised my self-love A TON. Spending a bit of time on guided meditations to heal your relationship with your body can really help. My favorite is this one. Give your reflection some love. Tracy Raftl, founder of Naturally Clear Skin, suffered from severe acne and hated looking at herself. She started doing something silly yet oddly effective. She changed her response to her reflection by saying in the mirror, “I love you! I love you!” She likes to do it the same way she says it to her dogs, which makes it more fun. I tried it the normal, non-dog way first, which was okay. I finally tried the dog voice and couldn't help but smile and laugh. Try it for yourself, or if you're more serious, simply pay your reflection one compliment. 4. Affirm, affirm, affirm Affirmations are a clichè because they work! Pick one or multiple that really resonates with you - here's a list of 35 affirmations to inspire you. They can speak to any aspect of your life from "I am perfectly healthy" to “Money comes to me all the time” to “I am a radiant, energetic being." One way to choose an affirmation is to notice what negative thoughts you have and make your affirmation state the opposite. Repeat it over and over so it's ready to go when you need it. I keep my affirmations handy in my cell phone notes. The journey to self-acceptance and changing negative self-talk is one we all share. Which of these 4 ways will you put into practice today? Leave a comment below and let us know ❤️
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I have something amazing to tell you! (Drumroll please)
You are not your thoughts. Since we can (with practice) observe our thoughts, it means that who we are is separate from what we think. Thank goodness, since many of our thoughts are useless, straight-up weird, and negative. And not only are your thoughts not you, but they aren't based in objective reality. What's great is that on their own they have no real power. The problems occur when we believe our thoughts. I know firsthand what it's like to feel completely out of control of my thoughts - stuck in a spiral of obsessive thinking that made me feel terrible but I felt powerless to stop it. The two admittedly odd techniques below have helped tremendously. Note: These work for thoughts not only about others, but about yourself too👌 1. Get perspective with Byron Katie's "4 Questions to Change your Life" A groundbreaking process of finding out if your thoughts are true is "The Work,” developed by Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is: 4 Questions to Change Your Life. You can do the process yourself using Katie's free worksheet. This process will open you up to other possibilities of truth, and give you new insight into the thoughts causing your suffering. I highly recommend you watch Katie do “The Work” with folks - here's a powerful video. Example: Thought (with accompanying feelings): I'm confused and sad that Jessie stopped talking to me. Is it true? Yes, Jessie hasn't talked to me. Can I absolutely know it's true? Well, no. Who are you with the thought “Jessie stopped speaking to me”? I'm hurt, I think about it obsessively, I feel rejected. I wonder what I did wrong, I feel distracted and like I'm pulling back from other relationships in my life. I feel anxiety in my stomach and depleted. Who would you be without the thought? I'd feel free and calm. I would be more present in my job, relationships, and life in general. Now turn the thought around, literally, three times and come up with three specific examples of how each of the turnarounds is true. Notice, are these as true or truer than the original thought, “Jessie stopped speaking to me”? 1. I stopped speaking to Jessie: After I wrote Jessie that message and didn't hear back, instead of reaching out again I just let it go. Before writing the message, I didn't say anything to Jessie for a week. I started avoiding Jessie when we got into the argument. 2. I stopped speaking to me: I can see where I wasn't honest with myself about the problems in our relationship and how something needed to change. I can see my denial I had before this situation woke me up. 3. Jessie does speak to me: Jessie told me her truth and I didn't want to hear it. Jessie told me many times the issues she saw in our relationship. Next steps:
2. Get it out with Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) Where in your body do you feel stress and anxiety? Our mind and body are connected in incredible ways and EFT (known as "tapping") eases virtually any ailment from chronic pain to PTSD. Referred to as acupuncture without needles, tapping stimulates the body's meridian points, which reduces activity in the amygdala. Tapping requires nothing but you. It's free and you can do it anywhere (provided you're willing to look a bit odd). It takes only a few minutes to learn the tapping points, and delivers immediate results. The EFT process in 4 steps:
Next steps:
Looking for more ideas on taking control of your thoughts, self-talk, and self-acceptance? Check out this blog post. When it comes to deescalating conflicts, the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) model is unparalleled. Developed by international peacemaker Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, NVC focuses on "empathetically listening and honestly expressing observations, feelings, needs, and requests". NVC operates on the belief that all humans share common needs, including autonomy, integrity, meaning, connection, physical well-being, and play/spiritual communion. Conflict is seen as the result of unmet needs, and can be resolved through conscious communication. The 4 Steps of NVC (download here): 1. State concrete actions you observe in yourself or the other person. Ex: "When I see you using your phone on our date night..." 2. State the feeling that the observation is triggering in you. Ex: "I feel unimportant and distant" 3. State the need that is the cause of that feeling. "Because I need/value closeness with you." 4. Make a concrete request for action to meet the need just identified. "Would it work for you to put away your phone during our date?" If like me you've been upset and expected someone else to automatically know why and how to make it better (even though I didn't even know), then the concrete request step will be a GAMECHANGER. Requests 101 Remember that requests are actionable and clear. "I would like you to help out more" (vague) vs. "Would you be willing to clean the bathroom and do laundry this weekend?" Requests are also positive-oriented, meaning we ask for what we do want, not what we don't want. "My request is that you don't lose your temper and start yelling." (negative action) vs. "My request is that when you feel upset, you tell me and we take a break." (positive action) Also - this is important - requests are different than demands. With a request, the other person's needs are as important as our own. Our goal is harmony, we want them to help meet our need out of a genuine willingness to do so, not guilt or obligation. We hope for a yes but are willing to hear a no. Next steps Let's put it into action with an exercise. Exercise: Think of the last conflict you had.
We've barely scratched the surface of the fascinating world of Nonviolent Communication! Check out these resources:
Information and resources are made possible through the work of Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. and the Center for Nonviolent Communication
Visit them at CNVC.org At Good Talk we live and breathe communication, constantly searching for ways to improve. Why? Because communication skills pay, literally. Strong communicators experience higher levels of professional success. In his book Five Stars: The Communication Secrets To Get From Good To Great, Carmine Gallo argues that in the face of increasingly savvy artificial intelligence, the distinctly human ability to effectively communicate ideas and persuade others gives you a professional edge. Gallo reports that according to a recent survey, "94 percent of hiring managers say an employee with stronger communication skills has a better chances of being promoted to a leadership position than an employee with more years of experience but weaker verbal skills. In his Inc. article, Gallo shares a story of Warren Buffett's commencement address at Columbia University in which he offered to pay any of the graduates $100,000 today for 10% of their future earnings. But he added, "Now, you can improve your value by 50 percent just by learning communication skills--public speaking. If that's the case, see me after class and I'll pay you $150,000." Communication skills don't just boost our professional life. In a blog post, billionaire investor Richard Branson quoted business author Brian Tracy, "Communication is a skill that you can learn. It's like riding a bicycle or typing. If you're willing to work at it, you can rapidly improve the quality of every part of your life." Our personal relationships are heavily influenced by communication skills (or lack thereof) as well. Dr. Joel Gottman, professor emeritus at the University of Washington, studied couple behavior for 40 years. He concluded that there are four particular types of communication behaviors that lead to dissolution: criticism of partners' personality, contempt, defensiveness, and refusing to communicate at all (called "stonewalling"). Other studies have shown that better communicators have higher self-esteem, build stronger family units, and participate in society more. There are truly endless benefits to building your communication skills, and Good Talk can help. Start by thinking about your #TalkGoals - what areas of your communication do you most want to improve? Let us know on Facebook and Twitter. And be sure to stay in the loop by also subscribing to our newsletter below👇 Are you sitting there anxious, stressed, full of dread, preoccupied with a misunderstanding, conflict, or conversation? If you're wondering if I'm reading your mind - yes, yes I am. Now you're wondering if you could pull off denim-on-denim - the answer is ABSOLUTELY. But really most people who find Good Talk are looking to solve a communication problem with a partner, friend, family member, boss, colleague, neighbor, bowling team member, person they went on two dates with...Like the rats by my old apartment, weird communication scenarios can crop up anywhere, anytime and we're never ready for it. For most of us, those who haven't banished our ego under the Bodhi tree where we spend our days meditating, our initial reaction is to focus on what the other person did wrong (followed quickly by fantasizing about telling them off/considering how they might possibly make it up to us someday). As easy as the blame game comes, you probably know that it's not effective for resolving the conflict. (You do know that right?) What IS effective is to focus first on yourself. You might be thinking, "Cool I love focusing on myself!" Me too! Try on an idea: If I were HYPOTHETICALLY responsible for 50% of this problem, what part could I have (maybe potentially theoretically) played? What story might the other person be making up about my role in this conflict? Now the first couple (hundred) times you do this, uncomfortable thoughts and sensations can surface. Notice them but don't buy in - our thoughts are so often crazy BS. Continue with the thought exercise. Because I get physically anxious at the idea that I've disappointed someone, I like to do this while walking or moving my body or doing a tapping technique which we'll talk more about later. When you have some notion of what you MAY have contributed to the weird dynamic going on, don't get down on yourself - this has not been verified, it's a story you're making up. Keep an attitude of, "Interesting hypothesis," rather than, "I'm the worst!". Here's what you get from this uncomfortable exercise yielding dubious conclusions:
Bonus positive side effects can include diffused anger and being more pleasant to be around. Give it a try - I double dare ya! (Did that work?) Click the comments button below to let us know how it goes! |