I have something amazing to tell you! (Drumroll please)
You are not your thoughts. Since we can (with practice) observe our thoughts, it means that who we are is separate from what we think. Thank goodness, since many of our thoughts are useless, straight-up weird, and negative. And not only are your thoughts not you, but they aren't based in objective reality. What's great is that on their own they have no real power. The problems occur when we believe our thoughts. I know firsthand what it's like to feel completely out of control of my thoughts - stuck in a spiral of obsessive thinking that made me feel terrible but I felt powerless to stop it. The two admittedly odd techniques below have helped tremendously. Note: These work for thoughts not only about others, but about yourself too👌 1. Get perspective with Byron Katie's "4 Questions to Change your Life" A groundbreaking process of finding out if your thoughts are true is "The Work,” developed by Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is: 4 Questions to Change Your Life. You can do the process yourself using Katie's free worksheet. This process will open you up to other possibilities of truth, and give you new insight into the thoughts causing your suffering. I highly recommend you watch Katie do “The Work” with folks - here's a powerful video. Example: Thought (with accompanying feelings): I'm confused and sad that Jessie stopped talking to me. Is it true? Yes, Jessie hasn't talked to me. Can I absolutely know it's true? Well, no. Who are you with the thought “Jessie stopped speaking to me”? I'm hurt, I think about it obsessively, I feel rejected. I wonder what I did wrong, I feel distracted and like I'm pulling back from other relationships in my life. I feel anxiety in my stomach and depleted. Who would you be without the thought? I'd feel free and calm. I would be more present in my job, relationships, and life in general. Now turn the thought around, literally, three times and come up with three specific examples of how each of the turnarounds is true. Notice, are these as true or truer than the original thought, “Jessie stopped speaking to me”? 1. I stopped speaking to Jessie: After I wrote Jessie that message and didn't hear back, instead of reaching out again I just let it go. Before writing the message, I didn't say anything to Jessie for a week. I started avoiding Jessie when we got into the argument. 2. I stopped speaking to me: I can see where I wasn't honest with myself about the problems in our relationship and how something needed to change. I can see my denial I had before this situation woke me up. 3. Jessie does speak to me: Jessie told me her truth and I didn't want to hear it. Jessie told me many times the issues she saw in our relationship. Next steps:
2. Get it out with Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) Where in your body do you feel stress and anxiety? Our mind and body are connected in incredible ways and EFT (known as "tapping") eases virtually any ailment from chronic pain to PTSD. Referred to as acupuncture without needles, tapping stimulates the body's meridian points, which reduces activity in the amygdala. Tapping requires nothing but you. It's free and you can do it anywhere (provided you're willing to look a bit odd). It takes only a few minutes to learn the tapping points, and delivers immediate results. The EFT process in 4 steps:
Next steps:
Looking for more ideas on taking control of your thoughts, self-talk, and self-acceptance? Check out this blog post.
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